About Parenthood

May I suggest some Design Improvements in children?

pressure-690161_1920
no pressure

Babies and Children could do with some Basic Improvements -IMHO.

With all due respect to the wonderful way children are made, I would like to suggest a couple of improvements in their basic design. These are simply for making my life easier as a Mum. BTW I’m a professional Mum – I have 60 years experience, I figured that out by timesing my number of children by the age of the eldest. Even so, I’m usually wondering what on earth just happened, or what the hell I’m supposed to do, or what in heaven’s name happens next.

You will always recognise me by my puzzled expression.

puzzled me
Professionally confused Mum

A Simple Tool:

So here are my suggestions, I reckon every baby ought to come with a sort of device similar to one my hubby bought for our car. It looks like this:

car diagnostic tool
you just plug it in

Very simple really, when there’s a problem with the car, this little fella is plugged in somewhere (I don’t really know where) and a number appears on the screen. Then you google the number and the corresponding problem is revealed. Then you take the car to the mechanic, OR you press clear screen and sigh a huge sigh of relief if the problem is drivable-withable.

Yes, so for kids this tool would be enormously handy, naturally they’d need a socket somewhere. Babies come with so many productive orifices, perhaps the tool could come with several sized corresponding nozzles to match, depending on the problem.

Method:

This is how it would work:

As a Mum (or Dad – naturally) your sixth sense tells you that there’s a problem when your child starts to cry. Or complains once they are old enough to use words too. It’s most difficult when a baby can’t tell you what the problem is, however, at this stage their problems are also generally very few. Actually normally only under the following three categories: ‘hungry’, ‘tired’ or ‘other’. ‘Other’ could cover many bases but is often discomfort related (eg: dirty nappy, wind, teething). But even these three simple categories have confounded me. The more kids I had, the worse got at figuring it out and I think that’s partly because I was juggling the other children’s needs simultaneously, and I was dead tired. Sleep deprivation is bad for your brain so reading numbers and googling results would add an extra level of complexity to our baby diagnostic tool. We can’t have that so I suggestΒ this tool would have a dial face like this:

babydial

Green = hungry

White = tired

Yellow = both hungry and tired

Pink = other (minor pain to the left, major pain to the right)

The pink category is the one that needs a little more clarification. If the needle falls in the first section you can relax, the pain will pass with cuddles – the baby is drivable-withable. If the needle falls into the second section then you need to take your baby to the doctor.

See isn’t this a most marvelous device!

 

From Two to Twelve Years of Age:

As our kids grow up, so do their myriad needs and complicating factors. The dial could become a little more complicated too but I suggest we keep things simple and it still looks like this:

childdial

But we need a slightly modified legend*:

Green: hungry

White = tired

*Yellow = you were right and your child needs to be disciplined (firm but kind are my go to’s here)

Pink = pain (minor pain to the left, major pain to the right)

The Teenager:

By this age kids are always hungry and always tired and will let you know all about it so the first two segments on the dial have become redundant and require new functions.

teendial

Green: Needs to be treated like an adult

White: Needs to be treated like a child

Yellow: Needs to get off their phone

Pink = Pain (minor pain to the left, major pain to the right)

A Glaring Consistency:

You will have noticed that the Pink Pain section stayed constant. That would be very helpful for me to know, especially when it comes to knowing how much genuine sympathy I ought to be giving versus how much they need to let go of the whining. This is the section that wrecks my head the most, probably because I can usually do something about all the other problems.

In Conclusion:

I know it looks a little bit like I’m not looking for humans but rather for robots to love. But it’s just that every now and again all parents could do with a little bit of outside guidance. If you had a modification idea for children, what would yours be?

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23 thoughts on “May I suggest some Design Improvements in children?”

  1. Oh, goodness, you made me laugh! This would be a most helpful modification to young humans. (Perhaps through all the GMOs in food it may just appear one day on its own. A major problem here in the States.)

    The confused look I one that will never go away. My daughter is grown and moved away, yet I am still confused! Is there a pill for that?

    Drivable-withable??? As a gal who loves to work on cars I must say that is the first time I heard it put that way!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. We now have the technology to creatify any type of wording needed to expresstificate any idea or thought the world needs to know.

        Confusing enough?

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I love this! I have a teenager (just 17), and this device would be so handy (& I really like the way you adapted the dial). You should run a crowdfunding campaign to get this made… : ) G

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Of course, you are on the top of the mailing list. I see you want the deluxe version. This one emits a warning signal when your daughter is inappropriately dressed and as a bonus I can throw in the upgrade which dubs sarcastic responses with sweet words of obedience. Will cost you an arm and a leg though.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I have to say I did wince a little at the socket sticker inner bit. That aside this is a great idea. You could have a meter too, just to let the kids know you’re running on empty and to give their own meter a break lol

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Absolutely brilliant!! I need one of these in my office as a school nurse, so where have you been the last 20+ years?!? (Oh, right, being a professional mother also….!) Well, let’s patent this then we can both retire!

    Liked by 1 person

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